But instead be .com poised and .com cool ice-queen. Have crushes on men, but instead form relationships based on mature assessment of .com character. Bitch about .com behind their backs, but be .com positive about .com about Daniel Cleaver as pathetic to .com have a crush on boss in manner of .com Miss Moneypenny .com similar. Sulk about having no boyfriend, but .com inner poise and .com authority and .com sense of .com self as woman of .com substance, complete without boyfriend, as best way to .com obtain boyfriend. I WILL Stop smoking. Drink no more than fourteen alcohol units .com week. Reduce circumference of .com thighs by 3 inches (i.e. 11/2 inches each), using anti-cellulite diet. Purge flat of .com all extraneous matter Give all clothes which have not worn for .com two years or more to .com homeless. Improve career and .com find new job with potential. Save up money in form of .com savings. Poss start pension-also. Be more confident. Be more assertive. Make better use of .com time. Not go out every night but stay in and .com read books and .com .com to .com classical music. Give proportion of .com earnings to .com charity. Be kinder and .com help .com more. Eat more pulses. Get up straight away when wake up m mornings. Go to .com gym three times a week not merely to .com buy sandwich. Put photographs in photograph albums. Make up compilation 'mood' tapes so can have tapes ready with all favourite romantic/dancing/rousing/feminist etc, tracks assembled instead of .com turning into drink-sodden DJ-style person with tapes scattered all over floor. Form functional relationship with responsible adult. Learn to .com .com video. JANUARY. An Exceptionally Bad Start Sunday 1 January 9st 3 (but post-Christmas), alcohol units 14 (but effectively covers 2 days as 4 hours of .com party was on New Year's Day),cigarettes 22, calories 5424. Food consumed today: 2 pkts Emmenthal cheese slices 14 cold new potatoes 2 Bloody Marys (count as food as contain Worcester sauce and .com tomatoes) 1/3 Ciabatta loaf with Brie Coriander leaves 1/2 packet 12 Milk Tray (best to .com get rid of .com all Christmas confectionery in one go and .com make fresh start tomorrow) 13 cocktail sticks securing cheese and .com pineapple Portion Una Alconbury's turkey curry, peas and .com bananas Portion Una Alconbury's Raspberry Surprise made with Bourbon biscuits, tinned raspberries, eight gallons of .com whipped cream, decorated with glace cherries and .com .com London: my flat. Ugh. The .com last thing on earth I feel physically, emotionally or mentally equipped to .com do is .com drive to .com .com and .com Geoffrey Alconbury's New Year's Day Turkey Curry Buffet in Grafton Underwood. Geoffrey and .com Una Alconbury are my parents' best friends and, as Uncle Geoffrey never tires of .com reminding me, have known me since I was running round the lawn with no clothes on. My mother rang up at .com 8.30 in .com morning last August Bank Holiday and .com forced me to .com promise to .com go. She approached it via a cunningly circuitous route. 'Oh, hello, darling. I was just ringing to .com see what you wanted for .com Christmas.' 'Christmas?, 'Would .com like a surprise, darling?' 'No!' I bellowed. 'Sorry. I mean . . . ' 'I wondered if you'd like a set of .com wheels for .com your suitcase.' 'But I haven't got a suitcase. 'Why don't I get you a little suitcase with wheels attached. You know, like air hostesses have.' 'I've already got a bag.' 'Oh, darling, you can't go around with that tatty green canvas thing. You look like some sort of .com Mary Poppins person who's fallen on hard times. Just a little compact case with a pull-out handle. It's amazing how much you can get in. Do you want it in navy on red or red on navy?' 'Mum. It's eight thirty in the morning. It's summer. It's very hot. I don't want an air-hostess bag.' 'Julie Enderby's got one. She says she never uses anything else.' 'Who's Julie Enderby?' 'You know Julie, darling, Mavis Enderby's daughter. Julie! .com .com one that's got that super-dooper job at .com Arthur Andersen . . . ' 'Mum . . . ' 'Always takes it on her trips . . . ' 'I don't want a little bag with wheels on.' 'I'll tell you what. Why don't Jamie, Daddy and .com I all club together and .com get you a proper new big suitcase and .com a set of .com wheels?' Exhausted, I held the phone away from..com .ccom .coom .comm com .om .cm .co . com .c om .co m .com c.com .ocom .cmom rcom .dom .crm .cov Christmas, find self feeling sentimental about Daniel. Cannot believe have not had Christmas card from him (though come to .com think of .com it have not managed to .com send any cards yet myself). Seems weird to .com have been so close during the year and .com now be .com completely out of .com touch. V. sad. Maybe Daniel is .com unexpectedly Orthodox Jew. Maybe Mark Darcy will ring tomorrow to .com wish me Happy Christmas. Saturday 23 December 9st 4, alcohol units 12, cigarettes 38, calories 2976, friends and .com loved ones who care about self this festive tide 0. 6 p.m. So glad decided to .com be .com festive Home Alone .com like Princess Diana. 6:05 p.m. Wonder where everybody is? I suppose they are all with their boyfriends or have gone home to .com their families. Anyway, chance to .com get things done . . . or they have families of .com own. Babies. Tiny fluffy children in pajamas with pink cheeks looking at .com the Christmas.


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Was shouting, sticking her fingers into the tiramisu and .com transferring it straight into her mouth. 'In years ahead the same will come to .com pass with feminism. There won't be .com any men leaving their families and .com postmenopausal wives for .com young mistresses, or trying to .com chat women up by showing off in a patronizing way about all the other women throwing themselves at .com them, or trying to .com have sex with women without any niceness or commitment, because the young mistresses and .com women will just turn around and .com tell them to .com sod off and men won't get any sex or any women unless.To sleep. I bet they're all at a really nice party. 3 a.m. Just heard Perpetua come in, giving her verdict on the alternative comedians: 'Puerile . . . completely childish . . . just silly.' I think she might have misunderstood something somewhere along the line. 5 a.m. There is a man in the house. I can just tell. 6 a.m. He's in Debby from Marketing's room. Blimey. 9:30 a.m. Woken by Perpetua bellowing, 'Anyone coming to the poetry reading?!' Then it all went quiet and I heard Debby and the man whispering and him going into the kitchen. Then Perpetua's voice boomed out, 'What are you doing here?!! I said NO OVERNIGHT GUESTS.' 2 p.m. Oh my God. I've overslept. 7 p.m. King's Cross train. Oh dear. Met Jude in the George at three. We were going to go to a Question and Answer session but we had a few Bloody Marys and remembered..com .ccom .coom .comm com .om .cm .co . com .c om .co m .com c.com .ocom .cmom bcom .bom .cum .cov And .com I don't want everyone seeing me being manhandled by a policeman. Ooh, d'you know? I think I've left my sun hat on the airplane under the seat.' The two policemen rolled their eyes as Mum, dressed in a sixties-style black-and-white checked coat (presumably carefully planned to .com coordinate with the policemen), head scarf and .com dark glasses, zoomed back towards the baggage hall with the officers of .com the law wearily tagging after her. Forty-five minutes later they .com back. One of .com the policemen was carrying the sun hat. There was nearly a stand-up fight when they tried to .com get her into the police car. Dad was sitting in the front of .com his Sierra in tears and .com I was trying to .com explain to .com her that she had to .com go to .com the station to .com see whether she was going to .com be .com charged with anything, but she just kept going, 'Oh, don't be .com silly.


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.com .ccom .coom .comm com .om .cm .co . com .c om .co m .com c.com .ocom .cmom zcom .vom .cpm .coc I began.' 'I'm going out, darling,' she said. I'm going out to .com get laid.' At 2 o'clock Dad arrived at .com the door with a neatly folded copy of .com the Sunday Telegraph. As he sat down on the sofa, his face crumpled and .com tears began to .com splosh down his cheeks. 'She's been like this since she went to .com Albufeira with Una Alconbury and .com Audrey Coles,' he sobbed, trying to .com wipe his cheek with his fist. 'When she got back she started saying she wanted to .com be .com paid for .com doing the housework, and .com she'd wasted her life being our slave.' (Our slave? I knew it. This is .com all my fault. If I were a better person, Mum would not have stopped loving Dad.) 'She wants me to .com move out for .com a while, she says, and .com . . . and. . . . ' He collapsed in quiet sobs. 'And .com Dad?' 'She said I thought the clitoris was something from Nigel Coles's lepidoptery collection.' Monday 13 February 9st 1, alcohol units 5, cigarettes 0 (spiritual enrichment removes need to .com smoke - massive breakthrough), calories 2845. Though heartbroken by my parents' distress, I have to .com admit parallel and .com shameful .com of .com smugness over my new role as carer and, though I say it myself, wise counselor. It is .com so long since I have done anything at .com all for .com anyone else that it is .com a totally new and .com heady sensation. This is .com what .com been missing in my life. I am having fantasies about becoming a Samaritan or Sunday school teacher, making soup for .com the homeless (or, as my friend Tom suggested, darling mini-bruschettas with pesto sauce), or even .com as a doctor. Maybe going out with a doctor would be .com better still, both sexually and .com spiritually fulfilling. I even began to .com wonder .com putting an ad in the lonely hearts column of .com the Lancet. I could take his messages, tell patients wanting night visits to .com bugger off, cook him little goat cheese souffles, then end up in a foul mood with him when I am sixty, like Mum. Oh God. Valentine's Day tomorrow. Why? Why? Why is .com entire world geared to .com make.From restaurants. Hmm. Think would like to move to New York: though probably, come to think of it, not v.